Aircraft Maintenance Humor

well...im sure sometimes it will be boring without any humourous article in a forum. Just to share some of the entry done by the pilot as well as the engineer in the Maintenance Record @ tech log/ red book. Anyway..its a copy paste..as usual..but most important is..sharing. Enjoy

Aircraft Maintenance Humor (Usually NOT a Laughing Matter!)
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS pilots
and the solution recorded by their maintenance engineers.

P = Entry by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

******************************************************
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget



*****************************************************


Solution to Hijackings???

Dear Sirs:

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,
and at the same time getting our airline industry back
on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to
look at naked women we should replace all of our
female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every
businessman in this country would start flying again in
hope of seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline
industry would have record sales. Now why didn't
Congress think of this?

Sincerely,
Bull Clinton

Good one inkau.
Thanks for sharing.

HILARIOUS!!

WAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAAKAK

PILOT: "KUL tower, Zodiak 245, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
TOWER: "Roger Zodiak 245, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
PILOT: "Uh...tower, I am on the West ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

--------------------------------
What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
--------------------------------
What's the purpose of the propeller?
To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
--------------------------------
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
--------------------------------
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
--------------------------------
"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notices, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch."
--------------------------------


Well...how bout the rest?

Good one ingkau. I enjoyed that!

where u get all this lar? rajin giler carik.

i'll just sit back and enjoy reading 'em.

keep 'em coming!!

Totally agree. Keep them coming!

OK, an addition to the log entry humour. I have told this in class, sharing in here with the others.

This is a true story, happened to MAS a long time ago, involving my batch mate.

Log/Defect entry:
Cockpit is very dirty! Not even fit for pigs!

Defect rectification entry:
Cockpit cleaned. Now fit for pigs!

Obviously the pilot was 'furious/upset' with the remarks. My friend was called up by his engineering management and he got away scot free!It was the pilot who started it! Hehe.
Moral of the story? Please respect other professions too.

I have something to share.

This happened during my last OJT.

An engineer asked one of his mechanics, " what's the differences between a torque wrench and a rachet?"

Mechanic replied with full of confidence," it's sound la.. (he mimics the sound) torque wrench - creek.. creek.. creek.. tuck.. and rachet just makes one sound - creek.. creek... creek...

haha.. nice one kruger.. funny..

For Someone Who Can't Fly...
A man was boarding a plane, and was surprised when he was seated next to a parrot. Once the plane had reached cruising altitude, the stewardess came around with her drink trolley and asked whether the man wanted a drink. He politely asked for a coffee, but when he finished speaking the parrot squawked, "Get me a brandy, you stupid cow!"
The stewardess was taken aback by the parrot's behavior, and came back with its brandy, forgetting about the man's coffee. Later on, the stewardess came by again, and the man reminded her of his coffee, and no sooner had he finished, the parrot squawked, "Get me another brandy, you wh0r3!"
Once again, the stewardess came back with the parrot's brandy, again forgetting about the man's coffee. The man was quite annoyed, and decided to try the parrot's approach: "Fetch me my coffee, b!tch!"
With no warning, the flight stewardess grabbed the man and the parrot and threw them out of the plane. As they plunged toward the ground, the parrot turned to the man and said, "For someone who can't fly, you're a lippy b@$tard!"


Behind the Virgins

ATC to airplane: "Fraction 930 taxi to holding postion RWY 26. You are number 6 after the Virgins."
Fraction 930: "I've never had to queue behind that many virgins before - never ever in my whole life!"

The flight attendents speech


"Hello and welcome to Continental Flight 9291 to Nassau. If you're going to Nassau you're in the right place. If you're not going to Nassau, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now. There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red
ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down
over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there...promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, I will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is: Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

the day was april 1st

LAE: kalau ade defect, cakap kat kapten APRIL FOOL!